Author Topic: Play Time (Read 4394 times)

Harzina · « **on:** March 22, 2009, 04:36:17 PM »

Sitting outside on his roof he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do next to amuse him.

"I can't play on the pool table I still have to get the stains out. Damn impatience!"


The last time he played he was so excited he forgot that he hadn't put down the sealer yet. He wondered which toy he was going to play with next and where to play with it. Every new idea that popped into his head he dismissed. All were to boring or he had already played with. With no new ideas he headed downstairs to clean up the pool table.

"How long has it been since I played pool?"


He wondered about playthings and the pool table and what to eat for dinner as he scrubbed the deep red spots out of the green upholstery. The once clean bucket of water was a bright brownish red by the time he was done. He walked up stair with the sloshing bucket and put it down next to his stove. The little black stove had seen so many uses. He loved to cook. He grabbed a pot out from under the cabinet and set it on the largest burner and filled it with the water from the bucket. He turned the burner on to high and sat and watched as it hit a low boil. He then began adding a few seasonings. When he was satisfied with what he had created he went back down to the basement.

He walked into his meats freezer, which was his favorite place outside of the kitchen. Its stainless steel interior was spotless. He reached for a thigh and then thought about it. He pulled his hand back and began looking for a rack of ribs. He found one the perfect size. He always loved fresh meat. He walked back upstairs to the kitchen and pulled out a cutting board and put it on the granite countertop and began cutting the ribs apart. With each rib separated he would plop into the mixture that was now steadily boiling. The ribs now smelled utterly delicious, to him at least.

He stepped back outside from his working on dinner and brought in a lungful of dewy morning air. It was still dark but dawn was coming and he could see the purplish tints in the sky. After being sated by the morning air he went back inside to get ready for work. He worked in a slaughterhouse. Even though all he wanted to do was play he still needed money and this was the closest thing he could find to his twisted sense of 'play'.

Today was the day he got to give a class of science students a showing of how to slaughter and butcher an animal. For the student he had picked out the best cattle in the house. It was a heifer recently received from a foreclosing farm. This one had been named Nessy. Nessy would be nice and tender because she had been raised as if she was a pet and she was still very young.

As the student began filling in he got his air gun ready. The air gun was just a small metal rod that had a small metal cone inside. The rod was attached to an air canister. The cone inside would be shot at a very high speed into the cow’s forehead instantly killing it.

When the last student was behind the glass barrier he put the rod between the unsuspecting cattle's eyes and turned on the air pressure with a sickening crack the cattle was dead. It toppled over to the ground. This was where the fun started; although he preferred live butchering the students were far to young to see that.

He called a couple of the students into help him lift the heifer onto the table.

   With his assortment of 'toys' and devices he deftly split open the heifers side with the nearest knife. He turned and watched to see the horrified faces on the girls it was always amusing. Although to his surprise one of the girls in the back wasn't terrified at all she just stood there watching him. Her eyes followed him even as he walked quickly over to the glass wall. He yelled through the glass for everyone to come out. The girls in the group slowly inched forward but stopped at least 2 yards away. Again, the girl showed much fascination and moved almost directly next to him. She was standing there next to him watching the blood rivulets form on the white skin of the cow and then turned her attention to the many knives he had set up on the table.

He leaned over and asked, "Do you want to give it a try?"

   Her eyes seemed to brighten and she shook her head vigorously. He briefly explained where to cut and how to cut and said,

"Just don't cut any of those pretty fingers."

   She immediately got to work and with every cut it seemed as if she has been butchering cattle for years. Each cut was skillful and well made. He began to look at her with great awe. After finished with the main parts she grabbed for the hand saw and slowly cut the ribs from the spine. Not nicking the spine or any other bones. By the time she was finished cutting the heifer apart all that was left was a few bones and a hulking pile of meat on the side table.
   As she finished she wiped her hands on the nearest awe-struck boy's smock. Her classmates began clapping but then they slowly backed away as she went back to her spot in the back. He wondered how this girl had such talent but she was at the most fifteen. It had taken him many years to master the art of butchering.
   As he got home from a long day at work thinking about that girl he looked up in disgust at his white-shingled black roofed house. It was identical to every other house on the street. As he walked through the oak door he thought too himself, "I have a new toy!"

NicTei · « **Reply #1 on:** March 22, 2009, 04:59:51 PM »

Main character names? Hm... Bonnie and Clyde?
...
...
Yeah, I was just joking. Put down the 'toys.'

How about Walker and Texas Ranger?

...Anyways, starting point for the next chapter (not good with names at the moment): a strange carcass shows up, cut to ribbons, and one of said main characters (I'm assuming the butcher and the girl?) are disgusted at how unprofessionally the body was butchered.

Harzina · « **Reply #2 on:** March 22, 2009, 05:14:06 PM »

Thanks Nic Tei! Hmmm, still trying to think of names. That is a ver good idea. I'm going to have to start working on that now.

Phang · « **Reply #3 on:** March 22, 2009, 06:42:47 PM »

Hehehey, I like this!

Just one little issue I spotted:

Quote from: Harzina link=topic=812.msg9614#msg9614 date=1237739777

were to play with it at.

This took me a couple moments to figure out. For the record, its 'where' in this case, and I don't think you need the 'at'.

Harzina · « **Reply #4 on:** March 22, 2009, 06:51:32 PM »

Thank you Phang. I'm kinda suprised I didn't have more spelling errors. I will go back and fic that. It has been a while since I wrote anything.

Phang · « **Reply #5 on:** March 22, 2009, 07:49:47 PM »

Ohh, there might be more I missed... *wry grin*

Harzina · « **Reply #6 on:** March 22, 2009, 08:53:49 PM »

Bleh, this going to make me want to go through it more. I need to start working on something elese though. Grrr, gotta read it just one more time. Thank you Phang for pointing out the errors though.

Chinaren · « **Reply #7 on:** March 22, 2009, 11:14:35 PM »

Nice!

I didn't spot any spelling mistakes, but you need to go through your punctuation here and there.

Names, names...

How about Harold and Betty, or Irasamuth and Cassandra. Something old fashioned perhaps. Maybe some bible names? There's some pretty freaky stuff in that fiction book.

Harzina · « **Reply #8 on:** March 22, 2009, 11:28:43 PM »

I have a bit of a problem with commas... Hehe the bible is a fun book to read for a few laughs but your right it is fiction. I can pick on Nic later.

NicTei · « **Reply #9 on:** March 23, 2009, 01:44:16 AM »

Way to make me feel ostracized, guys. I needed that bit of stress right now.

Chinaren · « **Reply #10 on:** March 23, 2009, 02:17:47 AM »

We're not ostrichising you Nic. Teasing a little, in a friendly way, but no ostriches are involved.

Saint · « **Reply #11 on:** March 23, 2009, 10:58:47 AM »

Ostrich...

Harzina · « **Reply #12 on:** March 23, 2009, 11:57:45 AM »

Hehe, nics an ostrich? Oh wells, sorry nic.

Phang · « **Reply #13 on:** March 23, 2009, 08:16:20 PM »

Honettely you guys. *shakes head*

Harzina · « **Reply #14 on:** March 25, 2009, 09:33:29 PM »

Yay! Just finished chapter two!

Please read!

Chinaren · « **Reply #15 on:** March 25, 2009, 11:07:43 PM »

Where is it?

You should add the next chapter as a new reply to this thread Harzy.

Harzina · « **Reply #16 on:** March 25, 2009, 11:13:05 PM »

Oopsies sorry thanks for that or it would have just sat there... I'll do that quick

Harzina · « **Reply #17 on:** March 25, 2009, 11:14:40 PM »

Chapter 2

   He had to hurry. He rushed out the door trying to decide which shortcut to take. He loved the one that went by the high school but he hated having the people look at him. He decided to take it anyway. As he walked past he fell into idle thought about the girl. He was absorbed in thought when he tripped over something. When he pulled his foot up it made a squishing sound.

   What he saw at his feet. It wasn't the spine or the rest of the bones lying around it were the horrendous cuts that had been made. Strings of muscles and fibers were strewn about. The edges of each piece of skin were jagged to make it almost look like a jellyfish. The bones that were with the pile were covered in nicks and cuts from somebody quickly slicing. He stared at it trying to bring every inch of the horrific sight in. He then realized he didn't have time to be idly stand there being violated by the udder misuse of a toy. He made sure to not have left footprints and hurried off to work.
~~~
   Later in the morning Sylvi was standing outside waiting foot the bell to ring. She had been thinking about what her father would have her do today. Her father owned a local meats shop with her.
   Her mother used to work with the also. The company went into debt and food became scarce. After about a week of not having very much food her mother went missing. Another week later father came into a large amount of very tender meat. Ever since that night all her father would use s that tender delicious meat. Sylvi never asked where the meat came from, she was afraid of the answer.
   She was pulled out of her thoughts by a strange smell. After a moment of smelling she realized it smelled like a meats shop. After a moment she began franticly searching for the source of the smell because she put two and two together to realize her father owned the only meats shop in town. She saw the mutilated body thrown all over the ground and started to heave as she pushed the body behind the trashcan. She still wasn't sure if this was her dad when she began looking at the mass of flesh. Every cut that could be used for cooking had been removed from the body. Worry and fear rose through her body threatening to turn into a scream.
   She began looking at the cuts on the bones. They were all going from right to left. Her father was the only lefty she new of in town. She started to pace thinking of a way to get rid of the body when she remembered the bag in her backpack for lunch today. She put as much of it in the bag without getting any on her.

   Walking through school Sylvi was paranoid that someone would find out about the bag full of grotesque slop sitting in her locker. Her life at high school was hard enough without having her father as a murderer. When time came for lunch she realized she didn't have lunch so she hurried into the lunchroom to look for Beth. Beth wasn't around. It seemed odd she hadn't been at the science trip either. As she walked through the room she noticed a sign on the wall. As she got closer it read:

Missing Beth Faring...

   At the reading of those first two lines Sylvi passed out. When she woke she realized she wasn’t in the lunchroom. She was in the butchers shop. She began to move but had a splitting headache. She heard foot steps in the distance. Hoping it was her dad with Tylenol she tried to sit up through the splitting headache. Her arms felt as if they were stuck, and through the haze of the pain she saw that they were strapped down. She struggled to get up, but as she freed one of her hands, she began to hear her father's familiar whistle; he always whistled while he worked back here, and she was never allowed to come back here while he was whistling.
   Her wrist began to bleed at the chaffing from the brace. With a click she got eh second brace off. The whistling was getting louder and she broke into a cold sweat. The blood from her wrist was starting to drip on to the stainless steel table and creating a puddle as she tried to get the brace off her ankles.
   With one last click her ankles came free sending her head to the table. Sylvi began blacking out from the loss of blood but she knew she had to get out of the shop. With the last vestiges of light in her eyes she rolled off the table and behind a nearby box.
   Her father came through the door yelled as her eyes slowly closed. She was unconscious as her father threw boxes around looking for her. After a while her father left leaving her there bleeding out. Under her box she was barely breathing and a tremor came over her. With the tremor came a memory. Her mothers voice floated into her mind,

"Sylvi, life is all you make of it so do your best."

With a jolt she sat upright. She had to stop her dad even if it meant... the next thought caught her off guard she never thought she would think this... Kill him.

Saint · « **Reply #18 on:** March 25, 2009, 11:30:35 PM »

Hm, where to go from there?

Id say Hearrald shows up just in time to save the girl. He and Sylvi's father then have some weird butcher battle, while Sylvi is left watching in horror...

Chinaren · « **Reply #19 on:** March 26, 2009, 12:13:50 AM »

Oh man, I love the idea of a butcher battle.

Cleavers at five paces!!

NicTei · « **Reply #20 on:** March 26, 2009, 12:03:52 PM »

I still can't find much to criticize, but there are two things:

Word Repetition:
I used to be terrible with this (Chinaren can attest to that), and still am on occasion. The example from your story is:

Quote from: Harzina link=topic=812.msg9701#msg9701 date=1238022880

What he saw below him disgusted him. It wasn't the spine or the rest of the bones laying around it was the horrendous cuts that had been made. Strings of muscles and fibers were strewn about. The edges of each peice of skin were jagged to make it almost look like a jelly fish.The bones that were with the pile were covered in nicks and cuts from somebody quickly slicing. He stared at it trying to bring every inch of the disgusting sight in. He then realized he didn't have time to be idly stand there being disgusted by the uder misuse of a toy. He made sure to not have left foot prints and hurried off to work.

If you're using MS Word, then shift + F7 should bring up a Thesaurus with alternatives.

'Machine Gun' Sentences
This has more to do with punctuation than anything else.

Quote from: Harzina link=topic=812.msg9701#msg9701 date=1238022880

At the reading of those first two lines Sylvi passed out. When she woke she realized ahse wan't in the lunch room. She was in ther butchers shop. She began to move but had a splitting head ache. She heard foot steps in the distance. Hoping it was her dad with tylenol she ried to sit up throught the splitting headache. Her arms felt as if they were stuck. Through the haze of pain at her wrists. They were strapped down. She struggled to get up. As she got one hand out of the straps she hear her fathers famliar whistle. He always whistled while he was working back here.She was never allowed to come back here while he was whistling.

If you lengthen these sentences with semicolons and commas, it'll bring something to the quality of the writing:

Her arms felt as if they were stuck, and through the haze of the pain in her wrists she saw that they were strapped down. She struggled to get up, but as she freed one of her hands, she began to hear her father's familiar whistle; he always whistled while he was working back here, and she was never allowed to come back here while he was whistling.

That's all that I could find to criticize, which isn't much. Chinaren may have to correct me on a couple of things; I'm not very experienced at the critting part of writing. But that's what this place is for: helping writers gain experience and giving others a chance to read stories that they may not be able to find elsewhere.

And as for a suggestion, I'd have to go with Saint's idea. Butcher battle! Butcher battle!

Phang · « **Reply #21 on:** March 26, 2009, 04:35:33 PM »

Bu-tcher-Fight! Bu-tcher-Fight!

Harzina · « **Reply #22 on:** March 26, 2009, 09:41:57 PM »

Thanks nic for crit. I am working in a notbook so it goes straight from paper to here. Since I don't have MS Word. Hmmmm, wow this is going to be diffucult to figure out why Herald would be walking past the butchers shop since he gets all his meat from.. well never mind we will leave that out. Well, the idea will be used since everyone seems to love it!

Chinaren · « **Reply #23 on:** March 27, 2009, 06:17:38 AM »

If you don't have MS Word, you can get Open Office from Sun, which is a very similar package, compatible with Office, and FREE!

I can't remember the URL, but do a search for Open Office and you'll soon find it.

Saint · « **Reply #24 on:** March 27, 2009, 08:26:43 AM »

I have Open Office with the computer I got from my school... I tell you, it's a hell of a step down from MS Word 2007 I had on my last laptop. (R.I.P.)

Although, I suppose free is free....

Chinaren · « **Reply #25 on:** March 27, 2009, 09:21:50 AM »

Is it OO3? I had OO a while back and I thought it was fine. Not quite as polished as MSW, but certainly usable.

Sorry,

NicTei · « **Reply #26 on:** March 27, 2009, 11:52:03 AM »

Both the computers at home and the computers at school here have MSWord 2007. Strangely, the ones at school have a font I used a lot (Baskerville Old Face) but the one at home doesn't, so I switched to Franklin Gothic Book.

Harzina · « **Reply #27 on:** March 28, 2009, 01:25:30 PM »

Hmmm, I will have to check into that. I already have a few free programs on my computer so that would out just great! Thanks you guys! Um, chapter three will hopefully be up monday but I didn't bring my notebook home with me this weekend. (Gurgle!)

Phang · « **Reply #28 on:** March 28, 2009, 10:13:46 PM »

Open Office came with this computer and it's quite nice. Does everything I need it to, 'Writer' does.

And to Nic: I write in Times New Roman, but only because:

(This was written on aforementioned Writer, incidentally.)

Harzina · « **Reply #29 on:** March 29, 2009, 02:52:42 PM »

Ok I almost go tmost of that in the wierd font... Last few words I couldn't quite get.

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