First Rite and Final Rest

[Warmduscher]

Hello guys and gals, newbie here eager to share and hopefully to get a kick in the ass to continue. German writer trying his best to express himself in English, but to make a long story short, here's what I got so far. It's kinda fanfiction, as the setting is from the Werewolf roleplaying game, but the story is unique.


Chapter 1: The Pups

Noise. Roaring, clunking, clattering, howling. Bitter smell unlike anything else. Humans, so many humans. The Elder warned me that there would be many humans, but there is no end to them. Hiding between the trees of this little wood, but everywhere around is stone and light. Noise, especially the noise never stops. Scared. The Elder said that others will expect me, but the bridge faded away before its time. Happens too often these days they say. Nowhere to go.

"He has to be around here, I can smell him. Close, and intense, he stayed around here for a while and he's nervous. We got to find him before he does something stupid."

More noise, those weird sounds humans make. Two of them, searching for something. Have to stay hiding, their noses are crippled and they won't see me in the dark.

"But how did he land in Battersea, the bridge was supposed to come down in Regents."

"Bridges aren't safe anymore, he got lucky that it was strong enough to at least land him at a spiritually close place. I've heard stories of people getting dumped into the Atlantic."

More of their noise, how do they ever manage to hunt?

"He has to be around. Hey! We know you're here! We're here to help!"

....

"Does he even understand us?"

"No idea, hardly anyone has contact with Red Talons. They usually hate the human-born and wolf-born are very rare in my tribe."

Red Talons. One of the sounds I've been taught. Are they the ones sent to help me? I have to show myself. If they're just humans, they'll die before they can alert anybody else.

I step out of the shadows, slow. My growls alert them instantly and my body is tense to jump them when their smell shows fear. They stay calm though and actually look happy. As far as I can tell at least. No cloud of anger, no stench of fear.

One of them gets his second fur off and starts to change. Bones pop and skin tears as he changes into a bigger, more feral human, the little yellow fur he has on his head grows longer and more fur covers all his body as he almost doubles his size, most of it muscle. Then he suddenly grows by three feet into the massive Crinos, the war form. Now 9 feet tall, his face something that resembles a wolf's snout if not for the size, completely covered in fur that turned gray and massive teeth and claws bare.

But he doesn't stop there as this isn't a time for war; he gets smaller again, falls on four legs, the ancient giant wolf and finally smaller again into wolf. We study each other, everything about him is foreign. No doubt a wolf, but one who runs in a different kind of woods. Smells of different food and still there is the stench of human and their home. Even the fur is different, gray against my brown. Older too, much older.

"Better. Do you understand me now, young pup?", he asks while the other one stands watch.

"Yes, I understand. I had not much time to learn about the human sounds. But I'm ready for the first rite and I wish to begin it."

He only laughs at that. "This is not for me to decide. I'm here to guide you back to the Caern where you'll meet the rest of your future pack. You'll get your task soon enough. But first, you should change into human. Have you any clothes that underwent the rite of transformation?".

"Yes, it is too cold as human without them. But I can't speak with you while I'm human."

"Just follow us, you can change back when we're in Regents Park. But it will be a long walk and we'll have to pass many humans. In wolf it is too dangerous."

I change as the old gray does as well, going through all the forms again. Pain sears through my body as bones break and skin tears, but a few agonizing seconds later I'm human. Smaller, weaker and stumbling like a newborn.

The two human-born stare at me and make these weird noises again, something that sounds almost like a hiss: "Jeez. You got to be kidding me. This is going to get more difficult then we thought."

"True, how are we going to explain someone who looks like a twelve-year old on steroids, barefoot and clothed in fucking furs when we get stopped by any coppers?"

I wonder what's holding them up.

...

It isn't easy to understand these human-born. First they looked confident that they can lead me to my actual destination, now they're like paniked rabbits. I have to hide again while they get clothing when mine fits well and keeps me warm even in my furless human form. They gathered weird smelling and painfully bright clothing; you can't hide properly in these things and it doesn't look very warm either. They put things on my feet, can't even feel the ground anymore.

Finally we start going through the stone towers. I stumble and sway on two legs; they even need to hold me by the hands. They keep talking all the time, are these humans ever silent? Why do they need to make such noise all the time, even this horrible place never stops screaming.

The silence was only short before it gets shattered again. "Anyway, he's the first arriving in London? What are the others like? Hope they're able to look out for our wolf pup here?"

"Two are already here, they grew up in the vicinity. Both just as screwed up though; while he got his first change very early the other two were damn late. The girl is already in her mid-twenties, working as psychologist and got a husband and kids."

"Didn't slaughter them in her first change I hope?"

"Nope, but did slaughter a patient of hers I heard. Can't imagine what he told her to drive her into the Rage.

"I tell you, just telling our young members to spread their seed like candy with as many humans as possible isn't doing us any good. We lose track of too many who might transform and its only a matter of time until we can't cover up a first change properly."

"No need to tell me, the second one is the same way. His hunting instincts kicked in while he ran after a thief and he took him down a little differently then he was supposed to as copper. Luckily out of sight of humans as well, but this could've been real trouble."

We walk throught scores of humans, bunched together like herds of cows. But even more stupid as no cow herd would calmly walk around when wolves are among them.

"So, has their tribe been found out already?"

"Yes, the girl is a Child of Gaia and the copper is claimed by the Glass Walkers."

"Heh, a city dog and a Red Talon in the same pack? That will work out well. Perhaps the hippie girl is at least able to balance it out. They're all about peace and harmony after all.

"We'll see about that. But first we need to arrive safely. The way they're looking we should've shaved his head as well."

Finally their noise stops and we go on a long walk through stone. Often bright lights suddenly attack me, but they grab me firmly and lead me through it without any smell of concern.

The humans still don't show any fear, only curiosity..... Grght was right, they don't know us and are helpless prey whenever we decide to hunt. But I was ordered to go to the Caern of Stone peacefully to do my first rite and I'll follow my Elder as proper.


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The three were not alone to arrive at the Caern of Stone. The forming of a new pack is always a good reason for a party and the King of London extended his invitation to many; London residents and outsiders alike. On a small isle in the middle of the lake of Regent's Park:

----------

How could this happen to me?

"Uhhhh. .I'mmm... going to be sick..."

"Get your damn act together and transform! The regeneration will purge the beer faster. Or do I have to break a few bones first for good measure?"

A week ago I was a respected member of the London Metropolitan police with good chances for a position at Scotland Yard and now I'm getting threatened with violence by some Scandinavian Schwarzenegger lookalike?

"You... you ...can't talk to me like this!"

"I can and will. I don't care what you were before. Now I see a whiny little sniveling city dog pup too weak and stupid to get poison out of his body. Maybe that will help."

The punch hits me square in the stomach and he tosses me to the ground as I vomit my guts out. He kneels on my back to pin me down in the puke.

"Now! One step! Maybe you're even strong enough to get me off in Glabro. And don't even think about Crinos or I'll tear your throat out before you can lift a claw!"

The impact of a kick suddenly eases the load on my back. All is hazy from the beer and the massive punch to my stomach but there's Franklin standing over my tormentor. His usually well-groomed and side-combed brown hair is now hanging long all over his face and his pants and shirt are strained by much more bulk then you'd expect in someone who usually looks like the academic type.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Björn?", he asks surprising calmly after demonstrating what the strength of the Glabro is capable of.

"I'm doing what you aren't! Teaching this whiny pup how to properly make use of his abilities! This guy's wild urges are so weak that he needs to get his shit kicked out of him before he even thinks of transforming." He spits as he gets up: "But what else to expect from Glass Walkers? He's all yours again."

Franklin watches him walk off and changes back to Human, sighing as he grabs me by the collar and helps me back to my feet.

"You do realize that he's right? You have to choose now what you want to believe. That you are one of the chosen of Gaia and ready to accept this world with all it brings or that you're some batshit insane guy who has ripped out a guys throat with his teeth?"

to be continued....

[Angel]

I've flagged to read the rest of this later. The start is sounding good though.

[Chinaren]

Wow, if that's done in your second language I'm impressed! 

Very good start Wards, nicely written with a good approach. I like.    I shall draw up a chair and wait for the next part...

 

Oh, and  to Tome!

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

I'm not usually a werewolf fan, but that was very well written.  I hope to see more.

[Warmduscher]

My head is still spinning. The sudden yank isn't helping... . . . .at akk ll...

"Hey... Franklin... what's happening to me? You know, really. When I say no? That's not me?!

He just pushes my swaying body back to the ground. Kneeling over me like a snarling animal.

"No is not an option you stupid pup!", as he pulls me back up and drags me towards the lake. His voice grows somewhaty soft again as he drags me:

"By accident of your auspice you'll have to take the role of a judge and executioner in your pack. If you are a pathetic failure it will be the responsibility of the Glass Walkers for our failed education."

"But, but, but, I ... I.." are the last words I can get out before he shoves me into the freezing lake.

[Warmduscher]

Also thank you for your welcome. I'm indeed writing in my second (or even third by some standard as I'm actually born in Romania but raised in Germany) language and welcome all criticism about my style to improve.

Edit: Heh, no idea why I put it into spoilers. I was kinda drunk.

[Chinaren]

This was a nice little clip Warmey! 

I would say that this line is very slightly confusing...

"By your accident of auspice you'll have to take the role of a judge and executioner in your pack..

I think I'd change the your to an. 

Keep it coming.  Oh, not sure what happened to the spoiler thing though, couldn't open it. 

[Angel]

All caught up!
First of all, I must reiterate what china said about writing in english. It's very well done.
I enjoyed your start and has certainly left me wanting to know more. It has lots of potential I think.

[Chinaren]

. I was kinda drunk.

Ah, a person after my own heart!  I have one story on here (The Memoirs of Theodore Chance), which I've only been writing when drunk.   

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

I'd like to see the second 'chapter' being a bit longer, but it was a nice little bit of writing still. 

[Warmduscher]

This was a nice little clip Warmey! 

I would say that this line is very slightly confusing...

I think I'd change the your to an. 

Keep it coming.  Oh, not sure what happened to the spoiler thing though, couldn't open it. 

All corrected and continuing:

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The young Metropolitan Police Officer isn't the only one going through a difficult time. Mother Sears is trying her best to prepare her pup for the challenge as well.

--------

"The Forms are correct, repeat the Auspices."

I breathe for a moment with closed eyes. She's riding me harder then a drill instructor.

"Ragabash, the New Moon. The Trickster, the Changer of Ways, the Questioner."

"Theurge, the Quarter Moon. The Wise One, the Spirit Talker, the Rite Master."

"Philodox, the Half Moon. Judge, Mediator, Executioner."

"Gaillard, the Three-Quarter Moon. Historian, Keeper of Glory, Master of the Battle-Howl."

"Ahroun, the Full Moon. Warrior, Rager, Alpha if noone has the wits to take it from him."

She listened in solemn silence, but the last one cracks her up pretty fierce. Heh, I guessed that she has a low opinion of Ahrouns, even of those among the other Children of Gaia. When she calmes down I await her Judgement.

"Good enough, Sandrah. I do recommend that you keep your opinion to yourself about Ahrouns though unless you feel comfortable to duel them. Or even get beat up by their pack. Those of the third rite or above aren't bound to respect you at all."

"Wait, what? You mean they could really assault me for some little stab?"

"You are Theurge and thus the second weakest in the Rage. You probably can't understand yet  the Frenzy that lurks in the Gaillards and Ahrouns from their very beginning. I wish I could teach you more before your First Rite, but it sounds like the King howls for the gathering."

[Chinaren]

I quite like these short chapters, they're nice and easy to read!  Another good little addition Warmey.

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

I agree with Chinaren!

[Warmduscher]

"One last thing, you need to decide how to handle your family. The other elders agree. Your only options are to fake your death or disappear without a trace. We will help with both, so it's your decision. But nothing else is acceptable."

That revelation hits me harder then my original change. Lose them forever one way or the other?

"But, I thought we can show them the truth.... I'm a psychologist, I can handle it."

"No! They weren't raised as kin. They're way too likely to panic and do something stupid. I can't risk putting all of us in danger. The coverup of your First Change was bad enough."

...

-----------

Awkward silence is the only result for now. But as Mother Sears gives her some room to think it over she has her own thoughts and fears about the situation. And a conclusion that leads to a certain phone call:

"Mike Rathunter, are you good to go?

... ...

Good, hear your task for your Second Rite as a true Ragabash. You are to seek out and observe the mortal family of Sandrah Collin for a month, especially if they come close to uncovering the Litany. You will report your observations to Vikkie. She will decide what has to be done and to whom. When nessecary even to Sandrah. That will be Vikkies Second Rite as a true Philodox.

-----------

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

Again, easy to read.  One thing though, with these short 'chapters', is that it's a bit fragmented to read.  I may have to wait until you've posted about three or four of these, and then read them together.

[Chinaren]

Keep it coming Warmey!

[Warmduscher]

Shortly after the howl a single disshelved bald youth stumbles foward to the collected elders. Too early for the gathered pack and without the howls of introduction.

-----------

Finally there? So... tired...

"You ... the king?"

"What is this? Some kind of insult!? Introduce yourself properly and pay your respects!"

I don't even hear that or who said it in the first place. Collapsing is so much more important right now. 2000 miles is kind of a long run, even for a Silent Strider.

"I think that's our missing member for the new pack Your Majesty."

"Fear so too."

Coming back to my senses reveals quite a few ugly old guys. Battle-scarred elders poking me, one of them hopefully the king, to check if I need a drink or a grave. Rising seems too much of a bother when I repeat my question.

"Anyone here the king? I have arrived, bringing myself as gift from the most revered grand master of the Silent Striders."

"So it is true. If you deem yourself a gift, who are you? What use should I have of you or why should a pack call you one of their own?"

His melodial voice and careful chosen words are unexpected. Maybe Gaillard then, not Ahroun.

"The most esteemed grand master declined to give me a name and he was the only one with the authority to do so at my shameful birth. So I have only two of the three pup names to introduce myself: ... Gaillard of the Silent Striders."

Regaining my wits I choose to explain some more of my countless shames. I change my forms and show that every one is furless. I hope that the shock about my deformation conceals the other issue.

"Not only a living, breathing hideous break of the Litany, but also tainted by Jackal blood?!"

Damnit! Ah well, I guess it was too much of a hope to have it slip by them. Now how to avoid getting killed out of disgust?




Also, sorry about the long delay. I basicly have the whole story panned out, but putting it into words can be rather difficult at times. Especially as I'm dedicated to keep it mostly dialogue and inner monologue driven to better show off the alien mindsets.

[Chinaren]

Well, good to see more posted anyway, and happy for the short chapters now, as my time is very limited! 

[Justclovis]

Still so much to read on this site; the treasures just keep surfacing! I'm enjoying this muchly, and your writing comes off as perfectly natural. I've known native speakers who couldn't write 1/4 as well as you do, and that's in college English classes. (Shudder. I hate it when they ask me to critique...)

My issue is that I don't know the world you're writing in. You did give notice at the very beginning that it was based in an already-established world, but I don't follow those games, and I'm lost at points. I suppose if the writing weren't as intriguing, it wouldn't matter as much, but I'm getting invested in the story. When you throw bits at me that are unexplained, I feel cheated. Perhaps some of the info could be worked into the storyline as we go?

Despite its origins as "fan fic," a work like this could easily take on a life of its own, and with judicious after-the-fact editing could stand very well as its own novel.

And when am I going to get a comfy chair in here, eh? (foot tapping...)

[Shortstack]

I'm going to reiterate what Clovis said about your writing sounding perfectly natural.  It's very good and you really can not tell English is a second language to you.

As far as the writing goes, overall I like it very much and would like to read more.  The only other commentary I have is that I would like to see a little more explanation about the world(s?) the story is based in; however I'm going to run with the assumption that we are going to learn about how things work in this world as readers, as the characters whom are new to do.

[Warmduscher]

(hmm, I see the issue about the world and thank you for the kind words about my writing)

I recognized that I won already after a moment of silence. His roar of anger didn't go unnoticed and an open display of Rage to kill me would diminish his standing. And this is the best weapon against the Silver Claws.

"Excuse me, but just because he's born weird shouldn't impact his skill. I'd like him with us."

Who knows why that dripping wet pup chose to speak up in my defense and why he thought that it'll help. But that was the second best weapon available. The voice of a Philodox. Everyone can recognize it.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Noone challenges his logic. I might live after all. Good, dying would be quite a bother.

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

Glad to see another piece Warm.  Nice little addition.

[Panda-Brain]

Caught up with this.

I totally agree with the others, as someone eho's native language/first tongue is not English, so write very well. And writing is much more difficult than speaking it because it's one of the most awkward languages in the world.

Personally, I like reading set out chapters - it helps me keep a note of where I am, and I find it less confusing. However, it's caught my interest. I would like to see you write in a little more detail though. Right now I feel it's mostly dialogue (not that mainly dialogue is bad, it just might help out a little with the way things work in your story)

Well done!

[Warmduscher]

Well, thanks about the praise again, but the thing about the miniature "chapters" is that I write whenever and whatever comes to mind next on how to continue. Fear if I try to collect my thoughts and structure them properly I'm only going to write and rewrite a few paragraphs for ages without ever posting them. It's very much a problem for me that I'm never really satisfied how my writing turns out and thus I just toss it out before I get second thoughts.

[Chinaren]

I actually prefer your shorties just at the moment Wucher, as I currently have very little time to read. 

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

I'm also fine with the smaller chapters.

[Angel]

Nicely caught up. I will agree with my fellow Tomiens in that the short chapters are rather nice to have! Although what I would say is that, correct me if I'm wrong, you have several personas that you are switching between, yes? Well, having something to indicate who is who would be a help becasue the story is in first person. That'd just be my preference though so feel free to disregard that.
However, I look forward to seeing more.

[Warmduscher]

The resulting silence was interrupted from the Grand Howl of the King.

"So, you call yourself a Galliard, Silent Strider! Sing then! Howl the song of the tribes! Honor everybody present and mourn all who fail to survive!"

The little Egyptian reacts instantly, transforming into his hairless, twisted Jackal Wolf and howls with his full strength:

(This is translated from the primal Howls of the Werefolk. Much nuance will be lost.)

"Glory to the Black Furies!" throwing a sneering glance to a lone black-furred lone wolf bitch circling around the camp as if guarding a herd of weaklings
"Discarding their male side for the Honor of Creation! Always vigilant for crimes against the Birth!"

"Glory to the Bone Gnawers!" just tossing his snout all over the skyline, with only some yips and covered coughs from the crowd
"Crawling deep into the dens of humans and clawing them from below!"

"Remember the Bunyip!" crouching deep with sorrowful howls
"Killed for their foreign ways on the far Dreamland Island. There aren't enough tears to atone for our slaughter."

"Grace the Children Of Gaia!" a rather subdued but still noticable howl from the crowd
"We have to thank you for the peace of the tribes. Ever vigilant against strife and dishonor."

"Remember the Croatans." subdued and humble
"They always gave way. When the white men came, when the European Tribes came. In humility and a lack of rage, uncompared. Only when the Great Devourer came, they saw and stood firm. Without rage, but unyielding without peer. They are no more. The Great Devourer is no more."

"Glory, Song and Dance for the Fianna!" some others erupting into loud whistling, singing and howling
"Keepers of the Greenest Isle, companions to the Fae, guardians of the mightiest howls and the happiest dance."

"Vicory always with the Fenrir!" awnsered only by a deep growl
"Harshest. Strongest! Killer of the Aesir! Downfall of gods!"

"Respect for the Glass Walkers." a similar gesture then the Bone Gnawers, but slower, more thoughtful, not awnsered from the crowd
"Always controlling humankind from within. The greatest danger to the litany, but our greatest asset too."

"Red Talons!" he seems deeply startled by the single intensive primal howl that erupts
"Uh, hmm ... greatest guardians of the wyld! Purest wolfkin, deepest hidden!"

Even more startling was the mocking laughter that follows his description. Followed by a very young wolf stepping out to him. To challenge his description?

"Is that the best you have to say about us?"

For the first time in his life, he was stumped and a bit afraid.

Shit. Who would have known that an actual Red Talon is present. Typical for my luck.

[ViP Perry Tratchett]

Nice to see this one moving again Warm.

[Chinaren]

Wow, I'd forgotten about this one!