Cabin in the Woods II to Star Bieber?
With Cabin in the Woods only just released, to critical acclaim, talk of a sequel has already begun, and rumors are circulating of a, some would say unlikely, new leading man. None other than Justin Bieber, darling of the teeny girl masses, has been put into the frame the next cabin hero.
Many reacted with disbelief at the gossip on the grapevine. Arthur Penn, a well known Hollywood agent, didn’t think Bieber was up for the job.
“Look at your basic action hero,” he pointed out. “He’s rugged and tough. Does a teeny idol like Bieber meet this basic requirement? I don’t think so.”
Others disagree. “It’s time for a more sensitive and effeminate action hero,” Susan Brown of LA said. “Justin would make a great lead.”
Drew Goddard, director of the current Cabin in the Woods, refused to be drawn on the speculation. “We plan on having a bit of a rest before thinking about a sequel,” he’s quoted as saying.
We notice he didn’t count it out though!
Ghost of Steve Jobs Spotted at MWC Barcelona.
The spirit of the late Steve Jobs was reportedly spotted at the recent MWC show in Barcelona, it’s just been revealed. The ghost has even been captured on camera, though many critics say it’s obviously a fake.
“I don’t know,” said a Samsung spokesperson. “There was definitely something hanging about our Galaxy Tabs. One of them even fell to the floor when no one was touching it.”
Apple has recently pursued a vigorous campaign against the tab, mainly based on the shape, which was obviously invented with the iPad, as no other device has ever had rounded corners.
“It wouldn’t surprise me if he was there,” said Bob Jobs (no relation). “Steve was a dynamic figure in life. These types of people often don’t want to let go.”
It seems the old Apple boss still wants to control his baby, even from beyond the grave.
Santa put on Watch List.
The NY police department has put Santa on their watch list for alleged child grooming offences.
“In this age of unjustified paranoia,” a police spokesperson said, “we must take preventative measures to protect our children. Even though there’s been no reports of problems in the past several hundred years, that doesn’t mean we’re safe for the future. The Internet has warped people’s minds before, a fact that has practically been proven nearly.”
Artist Rendering of Possible Offense
Santa behaves in a suspicious manner, according to child protection ‘experts’.
“He sneaks in to children’s homes at night,” Alan Helper, a child psychologist said, when repeatedly asked. “Then he could be said to be ‘grooming’ the children by leaving ‘presents’ and other gifts. This could be done to gain their trust. Who knows what the next step might be? This is not normal behaviour.”
“The police department will have extra officers on duty,” said another spokesperson. “No amount of money can be said to have been wasted in our efforts to find crimes that haven’t been perpetrated yet. After all, it’s better to shoot five innocent people than let one possible future murderer go free.”
Remember: Santa is watching you!
Pope Announces Church Rebranding.
The pope has announced a re-branding of the church, which will include new logos, slogans and a new costume for bishops and other church personnel.
“New interests, such as these fancy smart phones, have distracted our flock,” a Vatican spokesperson said. “Now, with the death of Steve Jobs, the church has decided it’s the perfect time for people to find a ‘new’ messiah.”
The pope himself posed for a new photo the other day, though still mostly in traditional gear he sported a fancy hat and pierced ears.
“Churches and other religious outlets will be receiving their rebranding packages soon,” the spokesperson said. “Shortly after that we’ll be hosting a relaunch of the Christian faith which, let’s face it, is several thousand years behind the times.”
Church officials refused to comment on the new look, but insiders said the package consisted of enhanced technology and adverts running on all the major news feeds.
Time will tell whether such will work for such an outdated product.
New Breakthrough in Resurrection Technology
The team that created the worlds first clone (Dolly the sheep) have struck again by bringing her back from the dead.
“Unfortunately the process isn’t fully working yet,” said a representative of the organization.
Dolly was first cloned by a team led by Ian Wilmut and Keith Campbell, and has since passed on. However, such was the popularity of the animal, efforts have been underway ever since to get her back.
“The sheep has basic motor functions, but is almost feral, and attacks on sight,” said the same representative, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She’s also suffering from tissue degeneration,” he added.
This report confirms that Dolly the sheep is now a zombie, according to the church, who has condemned the team for ‘playing god once again’. The local bishop has said no good will come of it, and they will all go to hell.
In the meantime, Dolly continues to bleat. Whether the team has fed her brains is not on record.
