Santa put on Watch List.
The NY police department has put Santa on their watch list for alleged child grooming offences.
“In this age of unjustified paranoia,” a police spokesperson said, “we must take preventative measures to protect our children. Even though there’s been no reports of problems in the past several hundred years, that doesn’t mean we’re safe for the future. The Internet has warped people’s minds before, a fact that has practically been proven nearly.”
Artist Rendering of Possible Offense
Santa behaves in a suspicious manner, according to child protection ‘experts’.
“He sneaks in to children’s homes at night,” Alan Helper, a child psychologist said, when repeatedly asked. “Then he could be said to be ‘grooming’ the children by leaving ‘presents’ and other gifts. This could be done to gain their trust. Who knows what the next step might be? This is not normal behaviour.”
“The police department will have extra officers on duty,” said another spokesperson. “No amount of money can be said to have been wasted in our efforts to find crimes that haven’t been perpetrated yet. After all, it’s better to shoot five innocent people than let one possible future murderer go free.”
Remember: Santa is watching you!
Pope Announces Church Rebranding.
The pope has announced a re-branding of the church, which will include new logos, slogans and a new costume for bishops and other church personnel.
“New interests, such as these fancy smart phones, have distracted our flock,” a Vatican spokesperson said. “Now, with the death of Steve Jobs, the church has decided it’s the perfect time for people to find a ‘new’ messiah.”
The pope himself posed for a new photo the other day, though still mostly in traditional gear he sported a fancy hat and pierced ears.
“Churches and other religious outlets will be receiving their rebranding packages soon,” the spokesperson said. “Shortly after that we’ll be hosting a relaunch of the Christian faith which, let’s face it, is several thousand years behind the times.”
Church officials refused to comment on the new look, but insiders said the package consisted of enhanced technology and adverts running on all the major news feeds.
Time will tell whether such will work for such an outdated product.
New Breakthrough in Resurrection Technology
The team that created the worlds first clone (Dolly the sheep) have struck again by bringing her back from the dead.
“Unfortunately the process isn’t fully working yet,” said a representative of the organization.
Dolly was first cloned by a team led by Ian Wilmut and Keith Campbell, and has since passed on. However, such was the popularity of the animal, efforts have been underway ever since to get her back.
“The sheep has basic motor functions, but is almost feral, and attacks on sight,” said the same representative, speaking on condition of anonymity. “She’s also suffering from tissue degeneration,” he added.
This report confirms that Dolly the sheep is now a zombie, according to the church, who has condemned the team for ‘playing god once again’. The local bishop has said no good will come of it, and they will all go to hell.
In the meantime, Dolly continues to bleat. Whether the team has fed her brains is not on record.
US to Rent out Gov Services.
A recent release by Wikileaks has revealed government plans to rent out various government services to help claw back cash to repay the national debt.
The leaked documents contain a wide range of proposals, with the most controversial likely to be the availability of the US armed forces for mercenary missions.
“The use of such should be limited to special forces and similar black ops units,” the documents says. It then goes on to advise that such information be kept confidential: “Due to the sensitive nature of this proposal it is recommended that this information is not released to the general public, and any missions undertaken should not work against US national interest.”
Other proposals included renting out Government facilities for private use, up to and including renting rooms out for conferences in the White house, and selling information currently made available for free.
The FBI would be split into Government and private branches, using its skills to move into a Private Investigator roll.
The FBI tracking down missing cats and wayward husbands? Sounds scary.
Google+2 Real World Buttons Debut
Google is expanding its new plus service by breaking out of the virtual world and into the real one.
It’s super new Google+2 service will add buttons to real life places and services to give instant feedback for non-virtual things.
Becky Amy, managing director of the Rapid Coach company in New Washington, is one of the first to get the new buttons fitted.
“The G+2 buttons will be just inside the door of every bus,” she enthused. “Then the customers can give instant feedback on our service. Plus it’s a real boost for our company’s online presence.”
The new Real Life, as it is apparently called, buttons are fitted with special wifi transmitters that sends a plus signal to a special Google server, which is translated to the online world.
“We’re working on the equivalent of a dislike button,” said one Google engineer. “And also a way of merging this with your Android phone so you can track who has plus-two’d.”
Eat that Facebook.
