Vegetable abuse up 300%
Abuse of vegetables is up by a whopping 300%, according to a report by the international Vegetable Oversight Organization, or iVOO for short.
The shocking figures, released a week last Tuesday, are broken down by vegetable as well as type of abuse, and reveal the sad state of vegetable exploitation in society today.
The main abuse is described as ‘inappropriate insertion’, though the report fails to mention into what. It shows that though potato and tomato mishandling has fallen by nearly 90% each, cucumber use is up by a shocking 500%, whilst carrots are up by 150%.
“We’re campaigning hard for vegetable rights,” said Sally-Anne, spokesperson for iVoo. “There are starving people in Africa that would love these cucumbers, rather than the decadent use they are put to in the rich western countries.”
The iVOO has a long struggle to be recognized though, and they’re also up against the FLAVOR, the ‘Fruit Love and Vegetable Arousal Rights’ group.
“Fruit and Vegetable love is perfectly natural,” said Arthur Fondle, who asked to remain anonymous. “No harm is being done, and the FLAVOR members, both professional and amateur, are helping the economy by buying these goods.”
The report, as well as the rebuttal from FLAVOR brings up several questions, not the least of which are:
How does iVOO gather its data and:
How does one become a ‘professional’ FLAVOR member?
Neither organization deigned to responded to these questions.
Pope Denies Vatican City Refining Uranium.
In a specially arranged press conference earlier today, the Pope himself denied that Vatican city was refining uranium for weapons use.
“We, as a sovereign state under god, have the right to self reliance. To this end we are working towards our first nuclear power station,” he read from a pre-prepared statement.
Leaked intelligence reports, published on Wikileaks yesterday, shows that several European countries suspect the Vatican of smuggling in radioactive material. The documents reveal VC has hidden underground processing facilities with at least a hundred centrifuges.
“If true, this is a serious development,” said one intelligence agency officer, who refused to be identified. “I know of secret meetings ongoing as we speak to work out ways to deal with this.”
A US spokesman admitted he didn’t know anything about this, but said if true that sanctions could be imposed on the small country.
“We deplore the ownership and use of nuclear weapons at all times,” the spokesman said. “Unless we’re talking about us of course.”
An independent expert declared that Vatican city was… “years away from developing nuclear capability, and even if they did,” he added, “where would they put it?”
New Law Bans Stars from Procreation.
A new law, due to be passed in California this year, will ban movie stars, singers and other ‘unstable’ people from marriage or having children, for the good of the (unborn) offspring.
The ironically named Councilor, Palm States, was the one driving the ban.
“The rate of divorces, separations, beatings and arrests for drugs and similar in the Hollywood crowd is far in excess of the norm,” she stated at a press conference. “The losers of these unstable people are the kids. We have to stop this cruelty.”
Several other officials and NGOs have said the councilor is on the right path.
“You only have to look at the sorry state of any star list to see what happens when two famous people get together,” Maggie Rowan, of ‘Who Will Think of the Children?’ social group. “It’s time that we put a stop to this frivolity with people’s lives. Prevention is better than cure!”
Ironically, ex-movie-star turned governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is behind the plan, according to sources close to the terminator.
“Name one famous couple with a stable relationship that’s lasted more than two years,” the person, who remained anonymous, said. “It’s child abuse really.”
The bill faces a rough ride before being instigated though, as there are plenty opposed.
“Who’s famous enough?” one ‘Freedom’ movement activist said. “What about has-been stars like Macaulay Culkin for example? He’s famous still, but when did you last see him in a movie? Does he count?”
Good point.
Apple sues Apple company.
A small apple growing company in England has been sued by Apple for copyright infringement.
Arthur Cox, owner of the orchid in the small village of Little Bottome, was flabbergasted, and he said as such:
“I’m flabbergasted,” he said. “I thought it was a joke at first, but apparently not. Seems that this big computer company believes our product, that is apples, is too similar to their logo!”
Arthur has contacted his legal team, and they aren’t very impressed.
“Apple don’t have a leg to stand on here,” Roger Hall, chief legal representative from Roger, Roger and Roger LTD said. “Our clients’ apples are a totally different colour, and ship with no bite marks. We’re preparing a stern letter even as we speak.”
Apple, who didn’t respond to emails, is notorious for it’s defence of the logo, and this is by far the first time they’ve set their legal dogs loose upon the little man
This time though, they may have taken a bite too much.
US to Join Euro?
A leaked document has revealed that the Obama administration has been having secret talks with the European parliament about ditching the dollar and becoming part of the Euro zone.
The revelations has sent ripples through the world markets, throwing the exchange rates into chaos and causing financial shock on both sides of the pond.
“This is crazy,” said Walt White, senior analyst with Morgan Stanley. “There’s just no good reason for it, especially with the situation in Europe at the moment.”
Others have, unsurprisingly, different opinions.
Fred Ben, professor of finance at Harvard, thinks such a move is inevitable in the long run.
“Look at how Europe came together,” he points out. “Eventually all the major trading blocs will have their own currency. Some time after that even these will merge, and the whole planet will be using a single, world, money, no doubt electric by then. The current administration is just looking ahead, jumping the gun if you will.”
Mary Shelley, no relation, from the Presidential media division refused to comment, but her department did issue a statement later that day:
The White House would like to state categorically that the United States will not be abandoning the dollar for the foreseeable future. The papers leaked are simply theoretical and fact finding. The United States retains control over its own financial future, unless you count all the debt owned by China of course.”
The Republican party has demanded the President make a statement on the talks, and come clean on if he or some other party authorized them.
“It’s a disgrace,” ranted Senator Bond. “We shall never give up the right to manage our own finances, however, badly.”
The final word, though, went to Sally Parkman, undergrad at Boston university, who said:
“Why the hell would Europe want the US to join? Isn’t the situation bad enough already?”
Maybe so Sally, maybe so.
God Recalls 10,000 Babies.
The Pope, saying he was speaking on behalf of heaven, today issued a statement saying that God was recalling close to 10,000 newborn babies as a ‘safety precaution’.
“Last night a vision was sent from God Almighty to the Pope,” a spokesperson in Vatican city said. “He advised the Pope to recall just under ten thousand newborn babies as a safety precaution. The risk of explosion from these infants is negligible,” he added. “However, parents are advised to keep the babies at a slightly lower temperature than usual.”
Already more than one thousand babies have been returned to hospitals for checks by specially posted Bishops. So far all of them have been cleared by the clergy as totally safe.
“The chance of God’s work being faulty is very low,” a local priest said, speaking off the record due to the sensitive nature of the subject. “However, safety must come first.”
No word on babies from the Protestant or other cults have yet been received, though a senior Rabbi said that all Jewish children are perfectly safe.
Internet to be Closed for Maintenance .
ICAAN, the body that ‘looks after’ the Internet, has announced that the network will be taken down for two days for maintenance.
A spokesperson gave further information:
“The net, or ‘Internet’ as it’s come to be known, has been operating continuously for more than twenty years. During that time technology has moved on far beyond what was initially envisioned. The many men and women looking after the networks have done a tremendous job during this time, but it’s finally time to do some serious upgrades.”
The work will be scheduled for next month sometime, though the exact dates haven’t been fixed yet. It’s likely to be over a weekend though, to reduce the impact on businesses and government offices.
Perry Seagull, technical adviser to the US government, said that the work would probably only take a day, but two days would be scheduled in case of problems, or fallback.
“After we cone back up users should notice their data being routed through the network in a far more efficient way, with much less data loss.”
Rumors that the downtime is to install further spying hardware for Echelon, the United State’s vast eavesdropping system, has been flatly denied.
But then it would be, wouldn’t it?
