NicTei's Blog

If you're single and ever want to be reminded so thoroughly of that fact that it's burned into your brain forever, just go to a wedding. Everything from the service to watching the newlyweds and the other couples dancing at the reception will do the trick for you quite nicely. I should know; I just did that last night.

Not that I'm not happy I went; it was a joyous occasion, and I wish the new Mr. and Mrs. every happiness. It's just that a wedding is not the ideal place for a person that can't even say a certain four-lettered 'l' word in English (me) to be. Go ahead and laugh; I really can't say 'l*ve' in English without getting queasy, though I can say it in Italian (Ti Amo), and as such I will have it censored like above in any future entries that may be cursed enough to have it. Great, now I'm ranting. See what you did?

Anyways, it's at times like these that the void that I've purposely kept in my being, the one that can only be filled by human companionship, seems a curse, though I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wonder what it would be like if I had turned out...well, different. I wonder if I would've turned out better, perhaps happier? For the record, I'm quite happy now (or would be if I possessed emotions), but I wonder if it could be better.

It's then that I start to consider the other "what if's" in life. For instance, I've only really felt something akin to 'caring' for two people, and have never been fast enough to do anything about it; by the time I can get remotely close to gaining the courage, some other person has intercepted me (if I can be so crude as to refer to it all as a game). Then I go through a period of "What was I thinking, anyways?" and after that I decide that I went temporarily insane, and then the entire process repeats itself the next time I figure out that those two special people are single once more.

Yes, I do know how I sound; an idiot who can't let go of the Past (which holds person #1) and live in the Present (which holds person #2). In other words, I'd be an emotional wreck if I had emotions. Hence my abandoning of them. And I know how I sound now: so, so, so emo. But I'm not, despite the long hair and the fact that I always wear dark colors.

But, I digress. On top of all that, I'm beginning to suspect that someone actually likes me, against all odds. You may gasp in horror now; we all know that such an occurance would cause time to blow up. I'm just that unlikeable, though there are people that will tolerate me better than others.

Okay, I realize that I updated this three days ago. So what? I'll update as often as I want! That being said, I'm not becoming a professional blogger; that wouldn't be as fun as being an author, am I right?

Anyways, I've been wondering; should I do something like a weekly feature for this blog? I could do something like quotes, or FAQs, or IFAQs, or a Q&A session, and the possibilities go on and on. I could do something with pictures, something with videos, etc. See? On and on.

Comments, people! I want to know what you'd like to see here (when you can be arsed to check)!

Alright. It's been a while. Just a note; I promise this one won't be sentimental. I've succeeded in killing off those pesky feelings, so just like the Nobodies from Kingdom Hearts II, if you see me smiling, it's a fake.

Anywho, here's an update on what I'm doing right now for the writing thing:
-Finishing Chapter 3: Seledonia of my book Lonely Island Inn, which is actually brand new.
-Once done with the above, I'll be working on Chapter 21: Ready to Go for my book HeartEater, which is slightly less new.
-During both of the above activities I'll be complaining to myself about the hiatus of Masquerade. Note that I will do nothing about it.

And that's about it. Well, I should add that I'll be fighting off the urge to start new stories with every little bit of new inspiration I get, but that's a daily thing, so it's more or less a way of life, like breathing.

Have a nice day, and I mean that sarcastically!

EDIT: Fixed the title 'An Updtae for My Writings.' Lord, I hate typos...

Quote: "There comes a point in your life where you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did, and who always will. So don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

My Response: well what if someone who was supposed to make it didn't? And what if someone from the past does matter? Then why in the world didn't they make it to my future?"

Okay, trying something new there inspired by a quote (guess which one?) I found on an application on someone's Facebook profile.

~

A bit ago, I was asked to describe a certain person for another person. I declined. The person I was asked to describe is from my recent past, and I hate nostalgia. Well, now I find myself needing to get this in writing before I drown in it, so to speak.

WARNING! THIS WILL BE ONE OF THOSE TIMES WHERE I COMPLETELY GO FOR THE CLICHES! MOST OF YOU WILL FIND THIS UNBEARABLE!

There's no easy way to do this, so I'll launch into it:

Her hair was like silk, flowing in the breeze when she ran, or walked on a windy day. Her eyes were pools that I could fall into and drown in over and over again, and yet still be safer than ever. The color of the irises was never important; it never really mattered to me.

Her laugh was like music, but more fulfilling and melodious than anything I've ever heard from composers of past or present. Even now, just thinking of her smile causes the corners of my mouth to lift, even if only slightly, a reaction likely caused by the image (of what was my only real friend) activating whatever's left of my black heart.

This troubles me. I was so careful about getting rid of that very area of myself after she left so as to avoid having it torn out by force, and yet it shows itself time and time again when I think of her.

Or is it the memory of simpler times that makes me smile? It was a lot better back then: I didn't have to worry about my grades so much, I had one good friend (which was all I needed), and I was genuinely happy. I can't say that for present-day.

To make matters worse (or better?), I've located this person, even after she'd disappeared for so long. As I sat looking at the website on which I found her, I found myself wondering what in the world I was doing. And then I saw the quote at the top of the post.

Was I not meant for her future, or was she not meant for mine? What makes this difficult is that I thought I had moved on and gotten over this. But when an Unnamed Individual (who I will refer to here on out as UI) told me that he saw her at a event he went to, I found myself making plans to go to that event the next time, going so far as to join the 'special group' that I had to participate in to get even near this event.

I must put this matter to rest. I cannot allow my hard work to unravel and leave me with a heart again. If that were to happen, my books would probably take a backseat as I pursued hopeless relationship after hopeless relationship.

So I still have no idea what I'm doing. Typing this is getting harder to do while I'm engaged in the activities I that I am right now, so I'll cut off with an inconclusive conclusion, which is some sort of paradox in its own right.

I come to you late at night (well, for me) with a topic that I need to address for my own soul. That seems to be the reason for the blogs lately, doesn't it? Well, I'm not going to linger on that right now. I need to write about this before it kills me (for, like, the fifth time).

Everyone has their own sanctuary. Sanctuaries come in many forms; it may be a quiet space in your house, or a secluded spot in a city park. It could be a real sanctuary (church), or it may even be somewhere you can't physically be, such as a website.

The definition of 'sanctuary' is 'a shelter from danger or hardship.' In other words, you go there for an escape from the toils of everyday life, from the things that really make you want to either destroy the world or yourself. A sanctuary is what keeps you sane.

For some people, the sanctuary is an open place where they invite anyone in. Strangely, some people don't need a sanctuary; they're confident enough in their life that they don't need to hide from their hardships and face them head on with courage a lion would envy. Others need the sanctuary more than they need food and water.

Above else, a sanctuary is something very private, somewhere for you and you alone. However, you may introduce someone to your sanctuary for whatever reason, be it that you want to show someone how you manage to stay sane in hopes that it will help them, or you genuinely care about someone enough to show them your sanctuary, sharing with them its quiet embrace and everything you find comforting about it.

Be wary of them, however. They may ruin your sanctuary and turn it into yet another place that you find nothing but torment. They may do this voluntarily, throwing your kindness in your face, or it may be something subconcious that they don't realize they do. They may not even realize that they're slowly tearing you apart at the seams.

People are, by nature, morally bankrupt, uncouth, and destructive. They are selfish, disloyal, and enjoy nothing more than stabbing you in the back. Shy away from this truth if you want; when you experience it, let me know. I'll be waiting here with a comforting 'I told you so.'

I myself cannot be brought to trusting anyone further than I can throw them, and with my muscle mass, that's not far (I sit in a chair and write all day; what more do you want from me?). This is a hard-earned trust issue, so don't you try and fix it. I enjoy turning away those who try to help me just as much as many atheists enjoy turning away the Word and dragging it through the mud in the faces of those that believe. Look at it as a 'comeback,' much like 'your mom [insert insult here]' or 'I know you are but what am I?'

Essentially: You turn away His help with a scornful laugh, I turn your help away with a very similar scornful laugh.

Don't call me bitter; I prefer to use the term 'experienced in the ways of life.' The world is out to get you, and unless you find a sanctuary and seal it off to absolutely everyone, you will not survive. You will be cut down mercilessly, and the world will do nothing but laugh as you fall.

Who knows; I may laugh as well. After all, I live in the world, don't I? Am I not entitled to be as cruel as the rest of you? So don't come crying to me when you find something I said offensive; 9 chances out of 10, I'll be able to show you a whole catalogue of the instances in which I was offended by you.

I dislike nothing more than hypocrites (including myself) that think they can go around insulting whoever they want in whatever circumstances, and yet get all upset or act like a victim when the person they just insulted returns the favor. That, however, is not how I am a hypocrite. If you offend me to a certain extent, I will likely ignore you, and, depending on the magnitude of the offense (in my mind), I may never speak to you again, let alone look at you.

I don't care if you think I take things too personally; that's my decision. Besides, how would you react if I began to insult the one thing that's kept you going for most of your life? What if I spat on what had shielded you, keeping you from going over the edge and never coming back?

Both on the internet and in real life, I remain polite, even when offended to a great degree. I will not lash out at you unless you say something unforgiveable; very rarely will I even just up and leave the conversation when insulted beyond belief. I may give some sarcastic remark to let you know that you've crossed the line, but I will try not to 'burn' you. That's not what I believe.

Just know that, inside, you've contributed to the cynical, anti-trust, anti-love, anti-social, anti-world part of me that grows every day. Don't even get the least bit upset when I react coldly to you; it's your own doing. No one to my recent memory has insulted my beyond forgiveness, but they've gotten close. Just remember that when you do, you will have incurred the anger and wrath of a heartless, uncaring, cold cynic, and it won't be my problem what I say to you or how I react to you; again, your doing.

Now that that's out of my system, I think I'm done here. I don't care if that rambled; that wasn't for you, that was for me. I could care less of your opinion. For that, you can thank most of the people I see on a daily basis.

Due to the nature of this post (used mainly for venting my anger), I have gotten over the foul mood and find it rather...arbitrary. However, I appreciated the feedback, so I'm not going to just delete it and lose the comments. Thanks guys!

I'm in a foul mood today. Don't know, and don't care, why, but I'm in a foul mood today. And yes, I will be short with you. I will refrain from talking to anyone too much to avoid completely flaming them, including people that I know both online and in person.

Good day. And I mean that figuratively.

This is the blog of NicTei.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

7:16am 3-17-09

The real NicTei is here. Yay. Now you may be afraid.